Bobby Cadillac was born inbred and bred in Cripple Creek, Colorado. Look! They have a webcam! Doesn't it look like a shithole great place to live? Bobby's mother was a father and his other father (he called him "mom") was a porn star. His pornstar parent was known as "The Horse". Not because he was hung like one, but because he had massive front teeth which allowed him to be unusually sexual with food. I saw one of his videos back in college, actually. It was called "Chow Time 12". Sixty minutes of him eating a meatloaf, and it was the most erotic thing I've ever seen. Anyway, Bobby didn't have time to enjoy his childhood, and in fact doesn't remember much of it, for reasons that only hypnotherapy can uncover now.

I know this is all confusing but just imagine how confusing it was to little Bobby. Some say this is the reason Bobby sliced the padlock off of his bedroom window one night with a makeshift boltcutter and set a course for the horizon, never to see his twisted man-family again. Bobby ran for hundreds of yards before meeting a nice family who agreed to let him stay in their home. And by that I mean he jimmied one of their windows open one morning and lived for 7 years unnoticed behind a pile of spare tires in their basement.

But every big bird one day must fly south (or whatever), and so Bobby took the money he'd been skimming from the nice family and boarded the first bus out of Cripple Creek headed for the Big Apple. That's right Boston.

The first 12 years spent in Boston cannot legally be discussed verbally or in print within 1200 miles of Massachusetts.

And when the smoke cleared, Bobby Cadillac was the undeniable King of Mobile Adult Entertainment.

If you see Bobby on the street, don't make eye contact or any sudden movements. But feel free to compliment him on his successful mobile web empire. He likes that kind of thing. But I'm serious about that eye contact thing. He'll mess you up, man. Flip you for real. Something ain't right, you know? But I love him like a brother. Like a brother I can't look at or make sudden movements near.

All Hail Bobby Cadillac.